I am so full

Originally Written May 26, 2021

I am so full.

I am overflowing with emotions, all different and overwhelming and beautiful and draining.

I am full of longing, longing for a past that will never return, for people who no longer feel the same, for those who simply drifted away. I cannot help but long after that I can not in good faith regain. I make peace with it every day.

I am full of love, love of people finding themselves and sharing it with me, love of creations and creating and all we can imagine, love of facts and history and all there is to learn. I cannot help but love and love deeply.

I am full of sorrow, sorrow for those who cannot see their value, their achievements, the worthiness of their goals and life. I am full of sorrow that the world isn’t what some people, most people, deserve.

I am full of fury. Righteous, burning, all encompassing rage fills me like a wildfire, taking away every other feeling until I am left with only the sorrow that fueled it. I am full of fury at the state of the world, that it isn’t what it should be, that because few people are selfish the rest must suffer.

Sometimes I am empty. I empty my own cup to keep it from overflowing, to keep it under control. But sometimes my cup is knocked from my hands. Sometimes the harsher and heavier feelings carve holes and I am left drained and empty and unable to refill again for the time I ignored the holes.

No matter what I have in my cup, I know my base is steady. My cup is built of hope. Hope for the future becoming a place where I don’t need to dream to enjoy it, hope for a community that helps and heals and holds together, hope for lives worth living, worth enjoying, worth loving, for everyone I know.

I am full of many things, and with a cup made of hope, patched up and reinvented and remade, I believe it is worth it.